fear, terror and anger as prisons

Today was the first time in awhile that I let myself slow down enough to feel how angry
I have been about the myriad of suffering, (unnecessary, pointless suffering) in the world.
What is more striking than that, is to ask why now? Why the urgency now? Why the outrage now? What is so different? So compelling? I find it interesting that the current president of the U.S. has managed to unite more people in anger than any other leader in recent memory. Yes, Hitler managed to unite people as well...but I think more in disbelief and fear than in anger.
No, I'm not comparing the two. What I wish to reflect upon here is why? Is it because he waged a preemptive war and called Iraq an imminent threat? Is it because people are waking up to the understanding the bombing, no matter how "smart" or "precise" the bombs, still results in the civilian deaths? Is the world tired of war? If so, how can we as entire nations stop the arms trade? That, to me, seems a more worthwhile place to begin to end war, rather than simply ousting one leader in favor of another (who, by the way, hasn't publicly denounced war since Vietnam).

All of that rambling aside, I think the best place to start to change things is to realize how we feed ourselves on fear, terror, and anger and how these are really toxic to us as individuals and as members of the human race. I always find that phrase funny "human race" and how true, that we are always running. Most of us in the "modern world" carve up our every waking moment with alarm clocks and deadlines and gadgets and gasoline and caffeine at the expense of spending time in nature and with those we love, doing what we truly enjoy. I am personally envious of my cats and their ability to laze around so much of the day. I watch my son struggle with his homework and realize I am pushing him to hurry because of deadlines...bedtime, bathtime, homeworktime, my time to do my homework, housework, sleep. There never seems to be enough hours in the day but when you have time, what do you do with it? Run? Fill the silence with someone else's words? My husband (for the first time in our five year relationship) actually skipped out on work today to spend time with me. I didn't ask him to. He simply decided that we needed to have a "mental health day." Now, usually I'm the one advocating that and he's usually far more willing to suffer begrudgingly through work or schoolwork or chores than to take time off. Today, we slept in. I slept because I was sick (because I hadn't allowed myself any downtime since, oh, last spring) and he slept because he wanted to. We watched a movie. We rented two more (both comedies, because, quite honestly you can only handle so much current events before you really start to hate reality) and we each had a slice of chocolate cake and ordered pizza for dinner. It was incredibly nice just to do nothing, yet the idea of doing nothing is so hard for me because when I look around I think: oh, this needs dusting, this needs vaccuuming, this needs to be washed/dried/put away. I hate it when there's traffic, I hate it when the tree I park under leaves a film I can't seem to completely clear my windshield of. I hate the rising gas prices. I hate the war in Iraq. I hate fox news. I hate hate. I hate seeing people suffer. I hate thinking about people being killed every time a bomb falls or bombing intensifies or in "retaliation." I hate headaches/stomachaches/illness in general. I hate the idea of selling my labor for any price if that means that someone else has to go without for me to be able to afford to rent dvd's. I hate insomnia but I get alot done that way. I hate categories and yet I tend to categorize. I hate the fact that I once had semi-decent health coverage that cost me $200 a paycheck (a paycheck!) but I could never afford the co-pay and now I have pitiful student insurance so I'm praying not be seriously sick or to need dental care for the next 9 months. I hate that people who signed up to serve in the military are now dying and killing and risking prison terms (by going awol or deserting) to fatten the wallets of certain corporations and certain politicians. I hate the fact that "debate" has come to replace dialogue and weapons have come to replace diplomacy.

Okay so I just spent how many lines complaining? Well, it's not really complaining as much as it is to see how thoughts cycle around the same stupid circles until I find myself in knots.
(Or is it "nots"?) The truth is, (as I understand it) I don't like hating anything but it's easy and habitual. So we throw around a word like hate (or love) until it loses meaning. Until it is meaningless. It was already meaningless but now we've made it into a useless commodity. What's next? We trade it to others. You surround yourself with those who feel like you do, who hate what you do, who love what you do, who, in doing so, validate you. What I love most about my husband is his unwillingness to compromise himself to validate my fears or my anger or my little hangups about the house being dusty or my endless grocery shopping sprees. One of our biggest tiffs as of late is my compulsive organic vegetarian food shopping. My cabinets overflow with food and yet, I (make the excuse that I) always buy with sharing in mind. Fortunately for us, we try to use disagreements as opportunities for dialogue. We are always reminding one another that it is more important to laugh than it is to yell or complain. My husband laughed at me once when I asked him "Isn't this soup beautiful?" I remember being a bit offended because apparently he never thought of Minestrone as being particulary beautiful. To me, it was a gorgeous mosaic of color, of sustanence, of effort. In one bowl I could see the people in the kitchen working hard to make the soup quickly and before them the people who had to work to make the soup possible, to grow the vegetables and beans and pasta, to pick/harvest them etc. So to me that soup wasn't just food, but a realization that all I had to do was pay for the bowl, while others pay for my privilege in eating what isn't even available to most people living on this planet. I don't think most of us even begin to reflect upon the hard work for wages (that do not support individuals yet alone families) that others do every day and sometimes almost every minute of every day, so that we can eat, consume, complain, diet, and throw away. I always remember this one Oprah show where one of her guests had walked for so long he walked the skin off the bottom of his feet and he said that he was amazed to learn in America people's cats ate better than most people in the world. Anyway, long story short, it is only in learning how to honestly relate to these two people in my life that I figure out how I cage myself in negativity and expectation.

As the election nears, I am constantly reminding myself of the necessity in staying grounded and humble. I sometimes dream up shirts that say "Fuck war" and the one I saw recently that reads "Fascism sucks." I think though, there is a greater need for nonviolent communication than ever before. If you can't listen to someone without arguing and fighting and hating then you are in some respects creating a bomb within yourself, a bomb that must either be defused or will explode. You also create/fuel/feed the desperation of those who will turn to bombs to be heard.
I don't want to do that. I'd like to believe that no one really wants to do that. So, while all of this hatred of Bush is understandable (and I've been quite guilty of it too) I think that even that is misdirected. If we do not challenge and change the structural inequality that allows one man such power, then we leave everything up to human fallability. What if every person who has someone they love serving in "harm's way" (be it Iraq, Afghanistan or wherever) decided to say, hey, I will not give you one more dollar or one more second of my loved one's life for your war or your arms trade or your destruction of the earth or your free trade capitalism. What do you think would happen? Those in power surely couldn't retain power if everyone refused them.
It is remarkable to think about the global unity against war, against imperialism, against unilateralism. But does being against something imply that you are for the opposite? I think such implicit support is not enough, we must actively push for the alternative: nonviolence, diplomacy, humanity, collectivity, interdependence, sane policies, humane politics, inclusiveness, honesty, responsibility, compassion, social justice. Think though for a moment, how even those words (as beautiful as they sound) can be manipulated into weapons. They have been, you know.

There is a real need to recognize how we imprison ourselves (by allowing ourselves to be pushed by) fear, terror and anger. That is my latest personal goal, anyway. I'm going off a quote from Aung San Suu Kyi who once said, "The only prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear." It is such a funny quote to reflect upon given the way that we are being told repeatedly that prisons, military force and power politics which curb civil liberties and human rights are the only means of security, the only way we as a nation can be kept safe. The terror alert may work some sort of weird magic on "consumer confidence" and certainly causing people to rush out and buy duct tape and plastic but it does little to make people feel safe. Or to make them trust that they are safe. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could learn to see international relations as windows that open out to the world, rather than as ideologies of fear, terror, power and anger that form mental cages around nations and individuals as well.

As a footnote, I am most grateful to the latest Tricycle (Buddhist) magazine (fall 2004 edition) on politics and citizenship from a Buddhist perspective. Also, the Sun Magazine has put out some remarkable issues as of late. All of these have helped remind me continuously of the importance of nonviolent communication in working for change. I am eternally grateful to the words, wisdom and work of the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn, as well as the ever inspiring art of Mayumi Oda. It is important to challenge the injustice and negativity and suffering in this world but it is also important to take a mental health day. Take refuge in that which truly nourishes you and nuture that in others. I am lucky. I have many in my life who are far more adept at this than I am and they always inspire me and remind me that nonviolence also means nonviolence to yourself, as well as the world. Namaste.

Peace!